"Oh, that's that guy you liked, right? You know... he was in that one thing?", asked a meek husband to his wife.
"Is it? Oh it is isn't it! I didn't recognise him with a beard but you're right. I'll hit the treat button right away."
With a simple press, a chute opens in an actor's home, and a small round indeterminate candy comes rolling down a tube and into a large basin.
This is the Treat Tube, an incredible way to reward actors in real time. The tube evolved from a tradition in the Elizabethan era, in which stage performers who delivered a particularly rousing show were pelted with sweet berries by the audience.
"With the advent of television and cinema, came a lot more distance between entertainer and entertained", said Dr. Pyube Itching, beloved inventor of the Treat Tube.
"The kindest and most pure way to show love for someone is to feed them. Each day you are allocated 10 uses of the treat button and may distribute your treats to any elligable actors you wish."
While Dr. Itching peacefully passed away in 1967 after horifically tearing his torso inside out whilst attempting to install a treat tube directly into his own esophagus, his invention has changed the world forever.
"I enjoy using the treat button" says a dull member of the public.
Prior to the tube, adoring fans would have to send off a form, outlining their desire to see their favourite movie stars be given a goody for their work. This was fine for a time, but with a turnaround time of up to 6 weeks, actors weren't getting direct feedback, and fans weren't satisfied.
These days of course, giving a treat is as easy as petting a dog or cat. A simple tap on any mobile device will highlight any actors currently on screen, ripe for you to send a morsel directly to their hungry mouth.
The development of "Tube" has given rise to new beauty standards. Some of the most talented and well regarded actors of our time can be noted for their larger size.
"You look like a man who knows very well the taste of treats".
What is a treat? They appear to be small sweet balls, perhaphs a kind of nougat, and come in various flavours chosen by the viewers. Treats aren't available to the general public, some errant ones here and there have been sold at auction, others have been donated in acts of self serving philanthrophy, but they aren't easy for the average person to come by.
Truly dedicated fans will take note of their favourite actors preferred flavours.
Some people, when they dislike a performance by an actor they usually enjoy, will send them their most hated flavour as a form of correctional treatment, as if to say "I like you, but please do better next time". Others pick obscure flavours and use them as a kind of signiture, perhaphs hoping for acknowledgement as "That guy who always sends persimmon ones".
The wordless communication that can emerge from Treat Tube is truly incredible, isn't it?
Who is allowed to recieve treats? Actors in the 50's suspected of being communists were forbidden from recieving any, for fears they might relinquish their sweets over to the USSR. Lately there has been a lot of support building for other types of entertainers, such as writers, artists, musicians etc, to be elligible to get treat tubes installed too.
"We've heard your concerns." said Deeb Peagull, CEO of Tube. "Treat Tube is a long standing and beloved practice, and any changes will take time. We have always been big believers in equality and are looking into the best solution for everyone. Until then, please keep enjoying Treat Tube."
Some people believe that actors are increasingly debasing themselves for treats. Scenes of sentimentality in movies are often dismissed as "Treat-bait". What ever happened to artisanship?
It was an especially low point for Bevin Dode, begging the public "Please press my treat button" whilst on a press tour.
A particularly undignified photo of actor Toyst Ory, sat mouth agape at the bottom of their tube has been widely circulated online, prompting equal parts serious discussion on the state of entertainment, and the sharing of memes with captions like "me when i'm. eatignh puzssy. lol...!!!!".
Many recall an infamous interview with superstar Bribney Smobe in her home, her voice barely audible over the clunking and clanking of treats rolling into the room via an elaborate marble run system, the inherrant absurdity of a life of excess laid bare.
Some social media sites allow users to opt to make their treat history public, offering rewards for analytics such as extra uses of the treat button.
"Germs Harmus has been through soooo much bullshitt, im sending all my daily treats to him! #IStandWithGerms #FuckCancelCulture"
"Hey uh, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I've noticed you've only sent treats to straight men recently".
"This pride month, here's a list of trans performers who could really use some treats! #TreatsForTrans"
"dont tell anyone but i took my moms phone and used all her treats on Hamb Brooby lol"
One day, a terrible tragedy struck the industry. Up and coming star Memple Pepulchre was found dead in his home, treats lodged firmly in his throat. He was 25 years old.
Tributes began to pour in, whilst others raised concerns about whether or not Treat Tube should continue.
Is it healthy to bombard actors with goodies and sweets?
Is this whole thing fueling our most terrible impulses?
Is this enabling people with unhealthy relationships with celebrities?
Is "Treats Tube" leftist hollywood brainwashing?
Is the proliferation of social capital as a tangible benefit leading us down a dreadful path?
Could the next president be decided via treats?
Are you okay with all this?
Bobert Bowney Br. is the first person to get 100 billion treats!
Glen Glenda: "I'll be donating All Treats I get in the next 24 hours to charity! We can do this! One million treats for one million boys!"
The release of Pobe Heroes: Era of Grupey has generated sooo many treats for its cast :)
Memple's funeral service, attended by some of the highest ranking actors on the Global Treat Index (GTI), was held in his home, posthumous treats constantly dribbling into his parlour, each one a poignant reminder that he was appreciated.
co-conceived by samanthuel louise gillson and seren krakens